1/31/23

there's an ice storm so that means i don't have to go to school tomorrow B) and if i'm lucky... maybe even wednesday too! ^^

i had an enjoyable day today. while not as productive as i would've liked, i was able to make brownies today that r pretty yummy so im happy about that. i'm gonna try to finish as many notes as i can tonight so i can have extra time tomorrow to tidy up my room. i want to be busy... my lack of a job makes me itchy for work. speaking of which, i did a tarot reading last night about it last night and it said i should be getting a job pretty soon. it may seem like forever, but it will come to me. Happy! on the note of tarot readings...

mark your calendars for the summer solstice for shit may get crazayy around that time

anyways. this is something i've always known and i didn't really need a card to tell me, but i just KNOW for a fact i'm gonna get cheated on next relationship i jump into. i already know it's gonna happen. but the thing about it though, is that i personally feel like it's gonna keep happening if i don't surrender myself to this. while it's not the fact that i'm going to get cheated on that drives me away from romance i got abused in hs lol it's the fact that i feel like im Sort of just waiting for this event to happen. this won't go away unless i can shake off the "oh man hes gonna cheat on me" mindset to the depths man. it just wont work unless i do.

i don't even know who this guy is; i just know that it's definitely a guy and he's definitely a stoner of some sort. probably has little siblings and may be a 'manager' of some sort if not a dude in some position of power. probably gonna meet me when im in like An episode and get me there... Like a Rabbit in a snakes cage.

i say this cause every reading ive done on this says this relationship will be dog shit but i can't tell if its gonna be my fault or not so. also everytime i ask if its worth it i always get some answer back thats to the liking of "fuck around and find out" e__e" Like ok......

1/27/23

it's almost 3 am and i cannot sleep so i've decided to come write a quick little entry. these are just late night thoughts Giggle.

ever since 2019 i'd say my issues with intimacy with others has only worsened and i'm pretty sure people know i come off extremely guarded. even my previous therapists have had the complaint it's hard to get information out of me. so, this year i'm hoping i can somewhat remedy that by at least trying to be open about myself but so far i haven't had any recent interactions that would come where i could practice... e e" sigh

i'm just hoping i can start being like. nicer cause a lot of people's first impression with me is that im a bitch or something b/c of how my face looks... i look even meaner with eyeliner on. So hoping i can achieve of jumping over the "creepy and brooding" chick hurdle LMFAO. idk. i just don't really have the energy to be like. Mean mean and i'm tired of being called such by ppl i've never spoken to. anyways, tomorrow i'm hoping i can get at least half of my notes done and at least get a load of laundry in. and apply to more jobs teehee.

i'm going to maybe also continue watching nana tomorrow (Honestly i could binge watch it in like a day and be done with it but im slow and tired LOL) and Maybe continue haibane renmei cause i watched it and 1st ep was like mildly cool but i have hope it will pick up. idk i got many animes i need to finish and mangas i need to read. OH YEA!! i wanted to read more this year so i'm currently re-reading a series of unfortunate events and im also reading white supremacy and me, and i hope to pick up more from there. i already got books in my wishlist.... heehee.

ok, i guess that's all i had to say tonight other than the fact i went onto BTSSB website earlier ago and everytime i see a jsk or a op i want i start like gnawing at my nails cause of how fucking expensive shit is... i dont even wanna know how long it would take to ship from japan to here. which is my motivation for a job. along with moving out. giggle. im just a girl who wants cute clothes and money. i Would say acrylic nails too bu i already have a reusable pair in my house + i practice playing my bass guitar everyday so i wouldnt be able to wear them. So i guess ill only wear them for special events... UNFORTUNATELY. =_=. ok that's it bye

note: played as emil for the 1st time in forever earlier today on idv and why was i doing super good... why is this energy not going towards me learning vera...

1/26/23

the identity v disease clinging to my brain like a tumor... ooooghhhhhh i want to buy the new mary and michiko skins they came out with but they're both like. 30 bucks and i don't have that kinda cash rn!!!!!!!

i've been trying to find like a script or something to the livestage action play cause it Looks Facking good but the wiki only has the summary of ep 1 and all the clips i can find of it on yt for each episode are like 30 seconds long and it's like the intro or something LMFAO. i guess i will have to buy the dvd? i heard there are dvds of it in japan. idk if it will have subtitles tho... LOL. so far this is possibly one of my favorite scenes. it's enchanting. mesmerizing if you will. the fucking stupidity (AFFECTIONATE).

speaking of idv to everyone's unfortunate dismay emils going to be one of the men getting a shrine even though i fucking hate emil and his dirty fucking feet. I'm very sorry everypony but of course i'm going to eat up a dumbass asylum escapee man who pisses me off. I want to kill him or something... Crush him in my hand for How much he pisses me off but Like lovingly and Tenderly or whatever. So fair warning to anyone to be present for when the emil shrine gets uploaded. idk when that'll be lol

1/25/23

i Think today has been my only productive day but i think it's because i didn't fall asleep after getting home from school - -" still stuck taking history notes though which fucking blows because its boring. trying very hard to have my brain realize it's no longer christmas break... and that i now need to get back into that #Grind school mindset bc these fucking chapters are long as hell and they're all a pain in the ass to read.

enough complaining about school though... i'm currently reminiscing on this era i had last summer where i ate lots of fish and berries and went hiking and the gym every week with friends. it was a very sweet little wizard era, that unfortunately came to an end because i had gotten food poisoning and i'm not sure if it was because of this shipley's kolache i had ate or the small thing of blackberries i had ate. all i know is that i can no longer stand blackberries or kolaches anymore which sucks cause they were one of my favorite food objects. last year was mostly quiet and fun, which i guess at the time seemed boring to me.

i think that is one of my problems... anytime in a calm section of life where i'm literally just coasting thru with no issues and im relatively happy i find it to be so boring. but it's like, whenever i think back later on i'm like Dude it was fucking awesome wdym. it happens almost every fucking time.

anyways january is almost over which means i'm going to my primary care doctor appointment soon which i'm nervous about because i'm going cause i worry i may be psychotic LOL and to see if the BPD shit still applies. i'm scared they might re-admit me to the ward but i am an adult now so maybe i could just refuse... i have no money for a ward stay LMFAO.

im still waiting to hear back from this application, but i honestly don't really think i'm gonna get it so today i went ahead and applied at other places. still hoping that i get selected though cause i Need Monies ....... Having no job is driving me insane i Like having a job.... U know how depressed i got after i quit my old job? it was Like instantaneous dude... Something about having To get my ass up at the crack of dawn just to go to work and go home at 4 pm.... SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING THE UNEMPLOYED LIFESTYLE!!! Anyways praying 4 a job lol

note: i PROMISE im going to start the shrine page today.... I PROMIE!!!!!!

1/24/23

...so i did NOT go on a super awesome and cool and amazing adventure. i played ponytown and practiced the bass since my last entry LOL. anyways i think i've found another song that only for the duration of that song i don't feel like i'm completely heartless. the song is o sol e a lua by pequeno cidadão, i have it on repeat while doing homework cause of how the chorus somehow manages to wring my heart of any sort of drop of longing i guess. it's a pleasant contrast of how some people like to write me off as.

idk im just tired of people does not apply to anyone im currently friends with acting like im cruel, abusive or like im some sort of caged zoo animal waiting for you to stick your hand in my enclosure. i get amped up to be this sort of villain character when it's like... i haven't really done anything in YEARS to recieve such a reputation i guess? like sure i was an asshole and a bitch, but sometimes im like ok now was this necessary....?

it feels ableist in a way because im suspected bpd (LOL) and whenever i point out horrible things people have done to me it goes unacknowledged, but i try to be empathetic to where the mindset comes from... especially this situation. i don't really blame anyone who's been mistreated their entire life and eventually by me to be upset at me of course. i can see how the victim complex would eventually make them feel like harassing me over a year later isn't actually "that bad" or "harmful" or something.

the biggest issue i've had with this is that to this day i still don't really know what else i did for this to still be happening. not when i had went and spoken to them myself (albeit extremely rude and upset, because who wouldn't be angry after logging into tellonym after like 6 months just to find out they purposefully left you as a follower just so the first thing u see logging in was vagueposts about me from 2 weeks ago or shit hinting at me i should hang myself?), not when they had put my first legal name on their carrd, not when they had dragged someone acquaintances with at the time into this, and not on the numerous vagueposts spanning across over a year now. dude the thing about the vagueposts is that none of them are like "grieving" or "in-shock" in nature like they said is "how they felt" during this. they're all arrogant and im like... so are u guys just mad at me for something we BOTH did a year ago or are u just mad bc i left? idk... IDK!!!!!

i'm nervous to even post this and i'm trying to keep it vague cause this shit's the reason why i don't ever list my name anywhere on anything, have an instagram or a twitter, and then use tumblr after switching accounts for the 5th time because i don't nor CAN trust them. i don't trust they can mind their business cause from what i've heard and seen? they ultimately make this worse for everyone involved by doing stupider and stupider shit. i can't make carrds, or rentrys (the fucking one i made i had to take down) or really be too "expressive" with my personality or else im fucking outted LOL.

anyways i'm probably gonna regret ever posting this but i'm sick and tired of having to filter my personality and shit out of the things i do and censoring just so i don't give these ppl a clue that ohhh man... it's that bitch slut!! as if my blog theme wasn't already obvious enough. i was nice and quiet for over a year but i'm coming to the conclusion that they're not ever gonna like fuck off or something sooo guess i'll ACTUALLY vent about it on my own fucking blog. Teehee

1/21/23

i should be doing notes right now but i am just so bored of reading history chapters :[ im not even done with the first chapter that i need to do... it has 8 sections in it and i'm only 5 sections in. i really hate learning about history i'm not interested in. =_=

i want to do something else like clean or do laundry but this professor hands out pop quizzes so i really do at the end of the day have to take notes on the readings. maybe i could just print them out and highlight what's important? i hate taking notes on this shit. it's okay i guess, this is my last history credit for my degree and then i'll be able to do cooler stuff like chemistry but i'll probably have to take pre-cal with it which im dreading because i'm very bad at math and i don't do well with calculating numbers (i struggled at being a cashier at my old job). i'm already bored and tired of this semester. i wish something interesting would happen

depending on how far i get with completing notes i'll probably start my shrines maybe late afternoon tomorrow.... heeheehee.. e//e. i already made pages for zoro from op, emil from idv, and sebastian from sdv and i already have a sort of layout in my mind for each one. however im not sure if ill do it right... but it is ok. this blog is for me, and is a spot for my love for these dumbass stupid fucking characters. i know zoro's and sebastian's pages will be particularly full (especially sebby's) considering those two i obsessed over when i was like depressed or whatever >_> dont even want 2 get into that era.

another thing... i'm not sure what galleries on blogs are usually for so i thought maybe i'd use it to post my outfits whenever i start getting money again and i can buy cooler clothes. my closet so barren so empty. and all the clothes i want so expensive. but i will be excited to post pictures to gallery once i have an outfit post-worthy teeheehee.

that's all i really have to say today so hopefully next time my next entry will be super awesome and cool and detail the events of an amazing adventure i go on or something idk.

1/20/23

ok so after slaving away at the computer for the past 3 days i FINALLY have my stupid blog running and looking the way i want. turns out that im only good at 'coding' when im just scrolling through changing variables rather than actually building shit from the ground up.

i'm very happy that this is working though. i wanted to have a digital diary that wasn't like. on a public platform where specific individuals probably knew my whereabouts on. i like having a blog that i only really share the link with close friends and is possibly not to gain a lot of attraction. really that's just what i want, a place where i can still have my personality expressed without being outted. (no, i wasn't cancelled or have some callout post. some people are just disturbed individuals.) even then im still like. Nervous cause i don't like underestimating my biggest fans

annyyways i'm waiting to hear back from my application and i started a new semester this week at college and at first i was really dreading it bc i thought the workload was insane but when i went to the first week i realized it's probably not going to be that intense. i was just worried because i wanted to work while i was in school. right now im just a little bit behind on some readings but i think i could finish over the weekend. i might try getting a week ahead too or something idk.

my sleep schedule as of late has been totally completely fucked and i totally blame toontown for it because during christmas break i would play toontown until like 3 or 4 am and then crash somewhere around 6-7 am. sometimes if i was lucky i would make it to like 10 am. =_=" right now its 11:39 pm... feels like it's 9 pm!! i may make something to eat and attempt sleeping with metal family on...

i've also been doing that; rewatching metal family. i had watched it last year and idk it's charming in a way? i've been rewatching all the episodes lately. something about russian webseries.... well more like something about webseries in general. ^q^