3/31/23

today i woke up relatively early, at 10 am and got up at 11 am. i was surprisingly active this morning considering i usually get up at 11 am to brush my teeth and wash my face before getting back in bed to wait another hour before i can make lunch. after i had brushed my teeth and washed my face this morning, i did my laundry and finished some of my history notes. i got all of my laundry done today, i have one more load i need to fold and then i just need to put away all my shirts and stuff. did maintenance on my strawberry plants and poked around my herbs to see if they were okay.

most of my day today was me taking notes and running errands. i went to the mall today to buy lotion i use after i take showers, and just to nose around stores... i almost bought some earrings i saw at spencers today cause they were honestly super cute but they were 12 dollars and i just didnt think it was worth it. i went into victoria's secret and this time they actually did have bras in my size but of course they were royally expensive. no cute bras for me... for now. after i went to the mall, i went to the store and bought mouthwash and pudding. i also bought brownie bites but as a little snack for later... i had forgotten to put my tips away at the atm.

it was awfully hot today. there were dark clouds, like as if there were a storm rolling in but no rain ever fell. i had brought my umbrella with me just in case. by the time i had gotten home the sky was blue and empty. a shame!

i spent the rest of my afternoon shuffling laundry, snacking on little brownies, and making gift lists for my friends. i asked my friend group who wanted physical gifts for christmas, so i'm doing that and making lists of stuff i want to get them. so far its going pretty good... i'm just gonna have to slowly purchase gifts across the year. i'm not complaining though. it reminds me i probably should make a wishlist for myself too so that i can look at and buy stuff... i've been meaning to buy myself a pair of oxford platforms. ive been really wanting those kinds of shoes, if not just oxford doc martens. i'll budget out that money at a different date...

what i really want is these fake spiral gauges i sometimes see in spencers or something. i don't know why, but i've always really wanted a pair of those fake spiral gauges and i think sometime later this year i might get a fake pair of those. i also want to get a tattoo on the nape of my neck if possible this year. anyways uhm. i think the brain fog that's been plaguing me since december til erm.. now is starting to go away? something about that late winter brain fog that just makes me mope around and be in a daze 24/7.

anyways, tomorrow after work im gonna get back to sending off my camera film to get developed so i can get the 5+ disposable cameras OUT OF MY FUCKING CAR and put into my photo album. i kind of forgot whats on them, so i'm pretty excited to see when they'll come back. i need to buy car seats for my car so the sun doesnt ruin the leather (leather's already starting to get kinda worn out so i just want that covering on it to preserve it too.) i guess that's all i really had to say today. oh! i'm back in my ambient music boards of canada silent hill aphex twins and etc phase again so i HOPE!!! this a good sign... oh i hope it is. heheheheheheheh. Byeeee

p.s. i need a girl best friend i can make out with on occassion..

3/23/23

spring has finally arrived in my town, the air's beginning to get humid again and the spring flowers are blooming on the sides of the highways. hopefully they'll bloom in my neighborhood, so i can pick a few and dry them in a notebook and post on here. i've been meaning to pot my new herb plants but i've been busy with school and other stuff i haven't really been able to. i also need to read up on what size pots these little herbs would prefer... i don't want them dying due to being root-bound. i also wonder if they would be ok if planted next to eachother. i'll look into it...

moving on, i'm learning how to finance money and i want to get a credit card hopefully this year so i can start building up Some credit... if i want to move out that's one thing i need to get. i also want to finish up my th icons for my characters listed on there so i don't have my profile embarassingly empty. i don't know if i'll ever do commissions on there, i just want to keep my characters documented. i have 4/8 icons finished, 2 that i know will be easy and other 2 i will have to spend a little bit more time on. hmm. i just want my th profile DONE ! so i can post some art and stuff hehehe.

i've been thinking about those two today, particularly how the eldest really tried to gaslight me that i was overreacting to a situation i truly had a right to be upset about considering he 1. set me up and 2. had been vagueposting me for months and probably still do. he really tried to tell me that it "wasn't fair" that i was mad that i found out he was vagueposting me with his bf (because he set me up to see it eventually LOL) saying shit how i should hang myself or that i planned to leave them or how i'm apparently "jealous" of their relationship and not what i had previously told them which was feeling left out and them making it apparent they didn't have any interest in keeping a friendship with me. idk just smells a certain way...

anyways adding onto that even though this isnt really relevant, i feel like my life is just constantly healing from some sort of trauma or fight or something. the past 10 years it's been me healing from someone or something. when does it end? i'm truly so sick and tired of it. i'm sick and tired of this mentally ill bullshit, i hate having a personality disorder and i hate being potentially psychotic and i hate having episodes where i believe the craziest shit for weeks or months on end and only realize how crazy it was until im back to normal or episodes where im paranoid about someone/something. i want to give up this bullshit omfffffggggggggg. i'm just tired of it.

3/19/23

im back and im unfortunately fucking emo so sorry if i go on some weird emo tangent i haven't been taking my meds consistently LOL. anyways i've been working majority of this week and i havent really had the chance to do my school work cause the moment it hits 3 pm i start getting really tired considering at that point i've been awake for more than 12 hours. it's okay though, after work i always buy myself some sushi and chicken gyozas with spicy soy sauce for lunch that i like eating. working at the donut shop has led me to actually start eating breakfast whether that be the old ladies there giving me a kolache to eat for energy or me eating a little glazed donut as a little snack. i really like eating the glazed donuts but i try not to eat so much because they are for the customers...

i've been fucking fed okay. truly the past few days i have always been full. moving on from that though, i went to a greenhouse today and i bought a basil, parsley, and rosemary plant. hopefully they will grow well and strong... i'm obviously going to use them for witchcraft and for cooking. especially the basil and rosemary. very happy. idk where ill plant them but hopefully sometime next week... hehehe. i've been doing my history notes for next week and erm. i'm not at all finished with even just one of those shits because its so boring. i'm mildly caught up in my federal government class but i just hate shit that has to do with the *philosophy* of shit and not just what it is. i don't do well with economics, math, or anything to do with government or politics. and philosphy just fucking pisses me off cause i don't really care for hypotheticals.

erm.. anyways. onto my emo tangent. i'm pretty sure it's cause i haven't been taking my meds in the past couple of days but i cannot but to feel so extremely empty and utterly completely alone. like sure, people are around me, people are wanting to talk to me, play games with me, and all that other stuff but i honestly just don't feel like i'm completely there. like somehow i'm the only person (maybe) in the room who can feel the difference between me and the people i'm with. like idk i just feel so soulless all the time and sometimes it bugs me that no one can tell that's the case.

idk. and another thing is that i feel like people just see right through me sometimes, and not for what i actually am. but this has always been an occurrence, since day 1 i have always felt like that and of course i guess it's not really anyone's fault for further perpetuating that idea. idk. i just dont ever truly feel like someone's friend, i'm either of 3 things: a romantic interest, an enemy, or just a thing to have around to be interesting. i feel like a manic pixie dream girl even when im NOT being the one to "fix" someone. this is so stereotypical for any insane person to say but i utterly truly feel like no one understands me, i just don't.

i don't have any meaningful relationships, people don't want to have them with me and i don't want to have them with them. once they realize that something's wrong with me, any initiative or interest immediately evaporates. i can always feel myself in moments when i come back to this epiphany try to reel myself away from anyone who has ever known me but i know how catastrophic that would probably be on me. it is always a struggle not to just outright delete discord and change my phone number and delete all my socials for the billionth time because what, i'm a little kookoo? someone's a bit crazy, not enough bupropion in your blood? so fucking pathetic. anyways i should've known some shit like this was to befall on my mind the moment i started hearing people calling out to me by my name, not my deadname. no one at my job knows my name and i intend to keep it that way.

3/11/23

hi!!! today was my first day at my new job. i had to get up at 2 in the morning to be there at 4. before i went to bed i had given myself nyquil so i'd be able to fall asleep and not be awake until like 12 am but the nyquil 1. fucked me up and 2. only made me powernap for 2 hours and i wasn't able to sleep the rest of the night. so i didn't get much sleep unforturnately... but i had a good day at work. my new coworkers are nice, they had bought me lunch today which i really appreciated.

i like my new workplace, i'm still learning stuff but i think i have the gist of it mainly? i'm just trying to figure out my new system for this workplace... i have systems for all my workplaces. i'm also just trying to learn all the donut flavors and kolache flavors and stuff (there's a lot...!). the only thing i don't like about it is just how slow time goes by... i don't know why but it will feel like i've been there for 4 hours when in actuality i've been there for only like 2. time is extremely slow. also being unemployed a bit has made my legs and feet all weak... now they're back to being sore all the time like when i had gotten my first job. it's okay though, i'll get used to it.

i really do like it though. they don't care if you have a little donut as a snack or take drink, just pay for the fountain drinks. they're very nice to me. my mananger said that hopefully once i'm done training i can work at the same store my 2 friends work at and that will be very exciting. i just want to work at that store cause it's closer to where i live... LOL. anyways i have to go to bed soon since i now have to get up early. i'm not sure if i'll have work tomorrow, but hopefully this week i can get caught up with my school work. that's all for now.

3/9/23

sorry for not writing as recently... i've been a bit busy reading stuff and i also got a new job!!! ^____^!!! i'm working at a donut shop now with 2 of my friends. the pay is better than my old job, and i heard it was simple so it's not a downgrade, do not worry. i'm very happy about getting a job though... i need one so bad. not only for the fact of i need money but i need one just to remain some sort of routine in my life. i can't function without a routine set during my days.

it's spring break which i'm very happy for cause i'm probably going to spend majority of my spring break catching up in my classes... which it's not too bad but i'd like all of this work done before i go back to school in a week. my first day is in 2 days at 4 am, so my schedule now is going to be completely flipped. i can't afford to be a night owl anymore working at a donut shop, which i'm not mad about.

other than that, i planted some new strawberry plants since it seems like it's just going to stay warm for the remainder of winter. i may go buy herb plants in maybe a week or two...? since i'm now employed i'm no longer stingy about my funds so i also bought nintendo online so hopefully i can get back into playing splatoon. i haven't been playing it just cause i'm busy and my friends don't really play it either (we're all busy playing pony town, idv, overwatch, or just something else).

in terms of website sprucing up... i'm gonna Really try and dig back into my tumblr html coding days and see if i can get a favicon and cursor put on here. i'm probably also gonna have to make my own background too... i have a little idea for the background but i'm not sure i can pull it off but i'll try. i'm gonna also ponder about what the banner could be... i'm honestly thinking just one of those kawaii pixel art lace dividers cause i'm too god damn lazy to draw something up (theoretically i Could its just so much Damn work). hopefully i can have these things applied soon... i may fix my guestbook (the one that everyone else uses didn't work when i put it in for some reason? i had to settle for the cbox LMFAO) and ponder what else i could add to the site Heeheehee. I want a little section for blinkies and badges that i personally just like but idek where i'd put them. Maybe underneath the entries container? cause i'm not making a fucking about page.

ok that's all i really had to say today. i'll probably write again to update you all on my first day. i may also go through some of my pictures i took on disposable cameras and see if any are worth posting in the gallery. heeheehee

3/3/23

i didn't do a lot today even though i wish i had done a lot today. i'm hoping i can get a lot done tomorrow instead. i might have to enter my twilight sparkle era seeing how behind i am in school... but i think i'll be fine. spring break is almost here and i can do loads of catch up and other stuff during that. which tbh should be easy...

i'm still chronically exhausted and i wonder if it's just cause i'm not at all fit for getting up super early in the morning considering i've always been a natural night owl? idk. i'm sure that has something to do with my lack of desire to deal with school (along with it going across the entire week which peeves me...). or really just deal with anything cause listen my life would be 10x easier if it had me waking up at 11 am normally.

anyways, i was able to pirate a few witch books so i can continue studying witchcraft. hopefully over spring break i can get into studying that along with adding info to my grimoire. very excited to read the ones all about plants and herbs... i'm hoping maybe i can find another about bodies of water or the moon? however i'd assume those don't need entire books for them. i guess that's all i really had to say today. i'm tired rn and i'm ready to go to bed.