2/28/23

ohhh my god february is almost over... this has been the worst february ever literally so boring and depressing... i'm still fucking mad about the shit from my last entry so get ready i'm probably gonna keep complaining about this shit because i have kept my thoughts to myself for over a year now and that shit has just been bubbling in my brain. and of course they just have to make it fucking worse for everyone by doing some stupid shit. this shit i'm fucking tired of so i'm just gonna nurse my wounds.. squeeze the pus out and rebandage every now and then...

i'm still so fucking mad at this double standard they have against me... to me it just goes to show that they honestly don't see me as an equal, and i don't know how long they've had this mindset towards me but i found out very fast where i stand in terms of equality with these ppl and it's not at all on the same level. not surprising though, considering i'm pretty sure they don't even respect my identity as nonbinary. which is... erm. a big cognitive dissonance for them (for which if you're reading, you know exactly why).

it just makes me fucking mad that when his bf threatens suicide, avoids us, gives us a suicide date, vagueposts us, put shit about us in his artwork, he has "bad trauma and feelings" and it "wasn't that bad" but when i vaguepost and threat suicide and avoid FUCKING EVERYONE BTW!!! WASN'T JUST U GUYS LOL! when im paranoid and afraid suddenly its me being blamed for "planning to leave" (which i never fucking did btw. me leaving was a decision i made on a whim one day because i was sick and tired of being sick and tired.) and "it wasn't fair" and im like. im sorry are my traumas and feelings just suddenly not enough for you to even spare the same sympathy you have for your boyfriend for me? was me getting assaulted in middle school not enough for you? was me having to pick up the identity of my dead sibling not enough for you? was me being emotionally abused and eventually physically all throughout high school not enough for you? was me getting sent to a psych ward not enough for you? was me having severe abandonment issues since childhood not enough for you? are my mommy and daddy issues not enough for you? is ANYTHING about me just not enough for you? because it's really starting to seem that way.

u never "realized" that i was a "real person with real feelings with bad trauma" for me. u never put any effort to understanding me. you won't admit that this stunt u pulled on me was unfair, because it would involve taking a blow to ur ego.

anything that comes out of my fucking mouth, is just suddenly tainted and impure when it's from ME and ME ONLY. it's fine if you guys do it... but not fucking me. it's dirty... it's disturbing... and the worst part...? it's from a DISTURBED dyke...!!! like yall just be fucking honest and say you have hated me for a while like oh my fucking god you guys are not angels. if man were angels we wouldn't need the fucking navy.

before anyone gets it twisted, no i'm not defending my awful actions i'm well aware they're awful and yes i apologized to them about it (that is.. if they read my Message..). but dude. i'm not letting this double standard shit slide by me so quick... absolutely not. for someone who bitched a whole lot about me being "unfair" gee he sure does know how to tip the scales and have an obvious bias... U wanna judge me for my sins so bad in this little essay of yours it's like ok. Well why don't we also get into yours and ur bfs since ur apparently all about fairness...? of course they never fucking said anything about it. =_= fucking fraud

2/26/23

i didn't do much today. i had planned to play wizard101 this afternoon but it had completely slipped my mind for i had gotten my attention stolen by something else. i gave myself a haircut today and fixed it so it would be it's normal hime cut. i did a pretty good job of that i'm pretty happy with it.

seems my biggest fans followed me and my friends onto this new app to replace the one i mentioned previously in a entry. i had just woken up before being told they were on the app, and i had found out they already blocked me. i'm not upset about that though. what ticked me off was seeing on these people made a warning that they post while paranoid. that shit pissed me off max.

i don't understand. truly i don't. so when you and your bf paranoia post, it's cool and dandy. but when i paranoia post, suddenly i'm the fucking bad guy? fakest shit on the fucking planet. these two, in the months following my departure, never spoke to me unless i made the first move in a conversation. they never made plans with me anymore, and the only times they came to spoke to me first it was about some bitch none of us fucking care about. let me tell you, it really does hurt knowing that someone you don't even LIKE was more important to you than bothering to even maintain a friendship with me. it hurt my feelings watching the months go by and you guys never tried to talk to me unless i did so first. and of course, you hit me with "oh well it's just cause your so busy with you job!" yea but i wasn't fucking working 24/7 you know. you could've asked me when my next free day was, you could've asked to see my schedule, but you did not. you did not make that effort. we only hung out one time during that summer, and it was because i made plans for it. those 4 months after i left the gc you guys did not fucking care LMFAOOOO!!!!

i put my foot out first for you two, for conversations that were short if not bleak. sometimes one of you wouldn't even fucking reply. what was i supposed to think? with everything else before that added on top (yknow, like how you supposedly told me you guys were dating right e_e) ? with you two being unemployed and not in school but online 24/7 it honestly did start to feel like you didn't fucking like me anymore. what point is there to me if you obviously don't fucking like me? why even bother lying to me at that point?

but you guys totally understand dont you? you said you did... you guys totally loved and supported me when i told you how i felt 4 months b4 i left. you suffer from the same issues so why wouldn't you? what a fucking joke you two left me to die out in the snow 8 months before i even had the balls to fucking up and leave. telling me some shit how i should've talked to you guys but i literally fucking did. what am i supposed to do when i tell you guys i feel like you dont fucking like me anymore and that i feel like im being left out? force you to hang out with me? spam you until you get agitated enough to talk to me? it's not in my fucking ballpark anymore once i let that information out. it's all up to you now! and you did nothing! you did not give a single fuck! LOL!

but my apologies, for abandoning you two and devastating your boyfriend. sorry i reopened his abandonment trauma, while you ignore you reopened mine for 8 months. ^q^ arara gomen..! sorry i made a couple vagueposts paranoid out of my fucking mind and completely utterly devastated because i thought u guys didn't like me and were gonna leave me. sorry that i couldn't pick my delusion for the day, Lol! oh yeah u know what else pisses me off? how these two fucking made some lame fucking post implying that i was #jelly of their relationship when it was like. are you fucking serious. are you seriously pulling this stunt on me when you know yourself that's not at all the fucking problem you sick freak. i don't even know how you possibly came to that fucking conclusion, i've never been in love in either of you and i never will be. Deflate ur ego maybe? might solve an issue or two for you...

this shit pisses me off cause i've tried being patient, staying out the way, not saying anything while they will shit talk their litle hearts out. if you have any sort of fucking counter argument to anything ive said go ahead and spit it out cause last time we all knew your stupid fucking paragraph was full of shit and it still is. next time instead of downplaying everything ur lil boyfriend did and eating urself up with this shining knight shit why dont u tell me something that's actually worth value bc whatever that shit was? total waste of my time but not to you cause it involves making urself look better huh

2/25/23

today i had a lot of fun. i don't think i got up early today, usually around noon. i ate soup, and i had already planned for the day that i would be making cupcakes, for the cold outside was bitter and unwelcoming. not fit for any outdoor activites or errands to be ran. i did have to go to the store today for i thought we had no cupcake holders but it turns out my mom just hid them in some random location of our pantry. so now we have new cute cupcake holders. i had thought about buying herb plants such as rosemary and parsley while i was at the store, but since it's still february i held it off. if they're still alive by april, i'll consider them.

for the rest of the afternoon, i had spent making cupcakes. at some point my dad had come in and said that if i were to slice a banana and put the slices in the cupcakes, they would be really good. i'm not a big fan of bananas though, so i made 3 of the cupcakes have banana slices. the rest of them are normal. after that i played identity v with a friend, for she had just started and wanted help on how to understand the game. i won't blame her, the tutorial is long and confusing considering its also being tied in with catching the lore of the game up with the player. i had fun doing that.

i finished up some personal th icons for my characters on toy house, so that before i make them public they will not be ugly. i also need to finish up all their different pages... and maybe sketch their references. so much to do art wise! i might finish doing some of the icons tomorrow considering i only have like what. 4-5 left? i just know i'm probably gonna have trouble on maybe 2 of them. im having trouble on the one im doing rn and its pissing me. Siiigh.

this app me and my friends used to use back in like 2017-2022 is finally shutting down in like 4 days and it's kind of sad we found this alternative that's similar to twitter in a way and erm. i may have crashed the app demanding people to play idv with me on accident but i swear i did not mean to on purpose! the app is just as glitchy as the one we were fleeing from... it would spam my posts after i posted them. poor little website probably can't handle the traffic LOL. it was pretty fun, we had lots of fun fucking ppl up and making stupid public groupchats for shit. i just went on so i could steal a un and leave. Giggle.

oh yea, i've been listening to this song all day so i might share it here just so i'll remember in the future when im sick and tired of this song and be like aw i remember that. you can give a listen too if you'd like. i won't force you!

2/21/23

ok so Hi i had my appointment today. i was pretty nervous but it went ok only downside is that apparently in the town i live at people are so god damn mentally ill the wait time for a psychologist is about a year. so now i have to call my insurance to see if i can get in at an earlier time. which doesn't really matter to me... i dread psychologist appointments. but i'm so tired of this mentally ill bullshit that i must.

not much has happened since my last entry... all i did was watch a lot of mlp and one piece and i guess i'm fine. idk. a few nights ago i was thinking about how it's starting to seem more and more impossible that i'm truly like. idk. Alive i guess. i'm very convinced that i'm dead in some way. it just makes sense to me. no matter if i get 10 or 2 hours of sleep i'm still exhausted but still have the capability to function, i can't seem to care anymore for almost every let alone dig up empathy for anyone, and this is something that will Only make sense to be but i already know i'm not supposed to be *here*. not as in, i'm not supposed to be on the physcial plane suicidal shit but my DNA was never to be in existance on this planet in the first place. i'm not from here, this is not my original home. i stopped telling people about that cause they think i have lost my damn mind (and they get obviously uncomfortable LOL) which i can kind of understand but i think evidence is overwhelming to me at this point that i'm not native to this... Place. not as in i'm an alien or something, i just don't belong in *this* existance at all across all planes.

another thing to add onto the dead person thing is that i'm also not ever hungry or thirsty at all anymore. i'm constantly freezing to death but not even that phases me. it's sad in a way i suppose, knowing none of the things i've done here were 'meant to be' but i guess all i can do is just take advantage of the fact i'm already dead. So boring...! i once had a friend of mine call me late at night asking me to marry him and telling me how it would be easy for me to take advantage of guys with my face and personality alone. while i don't doubt him, i just don't find it to be interesting. maybe dinner dates paid for me would be nice... but i usually don't really care about the lives of cis guys.

oh yeah... i've been thinking about the contents of my last entry and another thing i noticed about those two is that whenever i start talking about shit they go completely dead silent. it's like they start trembling in their demonias about the shit i have to say. which is crazy since they r bold enough to talk all that trash public but whenever i step thru? not a word... teeheehee. i wonder if it's out of fear, or knowing that they've been caught LMAO. guess we'll never know i suppose. i'm not gonna stop talking though anymore. haven't i played nice? haven't i kept quiet for you? hehehe. maybe i'm just overanalyzing the situation.

i've been thinking about sprucing the site up a bit... i know how plain it kind of comes off. i've been meaning to change the font but i'm just fucking lazy but i wanted to add one of those headers/footers at the top and bottom of the screen that stretch across the website and it looks cool. i'll have to figure out how to do that... Tumblr i trust u...

i guess that's it for today. i'm awaiting food.

2/19/23

i've been very exhausted lately for reasons unknown. no matter if i sleep 8 hours or 3, my eyelids can barely hold themselves open and i feel like as if though i'm permanently being called back to sleep. it might be depression... Who knows. maybe if i get some thoughts off my mind today i will feel better tomorrow. i'm just so tired of literally everything. i'm tired of school i'm tired of job hunt i'm tired of pets i'm tired of family i'm soooo tired. i might do one of those DIY sensory deprivation tanks tomorrow after school because i need to come out under feeling like i've gained some of my humanity back. the cons of being a dead girl....?

dude not even boards of canada is helping rn and that music usually helps me whenever i feel like this!!! uggghhh i'm so tired. yesterday i made cupcakes which i've been Gluttonously eating. they are german chocolate flavored with cream cheese icing. Tbh i think cream cheese icing is what normal icing SHOULD taste like but watever... Some of my friends calling me crazy for saying regular chocolate icing sucks fucking penis. i made spicy chicken and pasta today for dinner. pretty yummy until my organs decided they had enough of this shit and attempted to kill me with horrible abdominal pain. Again. i'm Tired.

i've been watching the fallout of a friendship between two of my biggest inspirations as an artist and it only naturally makes me call back to the similarities between theirs and the one i had about 2 years ago. the only reason it still lingers in my mind is because they make sure no one here forgets i guess. not to mention... they get progressively worse. it's a shame, really it is, but sometimes you just have to leave yknow. that was my mindset leaving, because i knew i didnt bring anything into the friendship anymore. not like they'd understand that or really care to. i don't think they really cared when we were friends... i often wonder if my previous cries had fallen on deaf ears? assurances of love and patience but where was this so-called love and patience when i had left? e_e.

idk. it's one thing i guess to leave 2 of ur closest friends behind because it didn't seem like they wanted to bother with you anymore (and for your sanity... but oh man what would i know?) but it's so bewildering to find out in the middle of summer last year what horrible people they have become... this mostly applies to the older one, but it also applies to the younger too. the oldest, caught scamming people on toyhouse. what a shock! to come home from work one evening in late july 2022 only to recieve a dm from someone i hadn't spoken to in forever just to send me the link to his thread.

some had claimed in that thread maybe he is immature. however... go on any of his old deviantart pages and you'll find comments and journals on his profiles saying how he is finishing old art, message me if i owe you art, please message me back about a refund, etc. and these pages are from 2017 onward!!! he is not immature anymore... not in his 20 year old mind. he's wasting people's time with his stupid shit and i hate seeing it. i had already know he was awful, the eldest, seeing how he lied straight to my face about some silly atrocity i had committed to the youngest. it's almost like he didn't even read me and the youngest's conversation. maybe he knows he lied? they still seem pretty committed in talking shit about me 2 years later. none of these posts about me though, again, say exactly what i did though or are in a state of grief and sadness. "but they're venting....!!! you wouldn't understand... this is their way of venting!" yeah im sure.

the oldest... oh god. something is truly wrong with him but i'm sure it's just because he's an asshole point-blank. when i go over the years of our friendship i realize truly how unnecessarily mean he was to me. tried to steal my then-gf at the time, confessed to me he thought about cutting me off for no reason, left me to help the youngest whenever he (the youngest) was in some sort of crisis... i'll never truly understand that. well i do understand, but i think that just applies to them about me. he will go on to say that how when the youngest was out of his mind and me attempting to help manage (albeit poorly cause i was 17 and in god damn high school) that the way he was acting "wasn't that bad" but i'm like... are you fucking serious? you're telling me the vent posts about nearly killing himself almost every week wasn't stressful? the vagueposts that would get deleted every 5 minutes? the sudden disappearances? the overdose on benadryl? the date of suicide given to us? the pessimissim to any form of us attempting to help? all while WE were in SCHOOL? that wasn't fucking stressful enough for you? or was it because you weren't ever fucking there? becuase u know what i remember? i remember having to argue with a certain someone for almost an hour about how his life had fucking worth while you sat out spectating. i had to fucking beg you in dms to help because 45 minutes of debating with someone how their life means something for a 17 year old about to nearly fail high school... Whew that sure is something!

but of course it wasn't that bad...! i just don't understand him...! unlike the oldest...! who apparently took the time to understand him... wow... the bare minimum! he sucks his own dick in dms before blocking me out of cowardice...! ohh how amazing right? but when i do the fucking same thing as the youngest i'm the devil, right? i'm the villain here, i'm the evil girl who ruined ur life aren't i? i'm ur new abuser huh? i'm the new emoji on ur emoji key, i'm the new username to add to ur dni, i'm the new deadname on the list of ppl who u don't like. yeah they'll sure berate me for gtfo'ing but probably still busy calling me a she on purpose and calling me by my legal name in dms like LMFAO. of course though, those are assumptions. i'll never know for sure unless they ever get the balls to tell me.

i don't know anymore. i've pondered and thought their sides of the story and feelings about the situation a million times and my conclusion is they don't realize this shit just makes them look fucking cringe. sure it's fucking annoying but dude no one wants to fucking talk to you. i do wonder though... maybe it was all on purpose? i once asked my tarot cards this question. a scheme so easy to get rid of this whore on our backs... just don't talk to her. the oldest had called me out on us shit talking the younger one back when he was in a bad place, which i understand and regret, but i often wonder when he told the youngest one about that? if it was after i had left i wonder if it was actually out of admission of guilt or not. if it was before that gets even weirder why they'd get upset about i only after i had left... but if it was on or after the day of me leaving? i question the older's motive. maybe that's too cynical but after being around the ass for 4 years and have him and the youngest stalking me to this very day? yeah i really don't gaf anymore.

i thought that keeping to myself and not getting in the way was maybe the best way to go about this but dude they are still up my cunt almost 2 years later of me doin that!!!!! yea i just don't care anymore i'm just gonna talk... play by their rules i guess and talk about them here on my blog. i know u 2 love to read it... i know ur here u silly gooses!!! anyways i guess the tldr of this i truly whole heartedly believe these 2 are a great example of people who have fucked me up and don't rlly understand how i think i believe. idk. i'm not mad about it really i'm just pissed off how they handled the aftermath of it like r u fucking srs ur gonna almost verbatim copy how i handled my aftermath with my ex gf in the fine year of 2018 in 2021?? dude i was 14 when i did that shit u guys r legal adults!! did the death note obsession the changing of the name to baby (Yea been there done that LMFAOOOO) the changing of names again the vagueposting the namedropping in dnis and shit like whats fucking next am i getting and ig callout too? so fucking cringe and embarassing. course the eldest just sits around and lets this shit happen cause oh man of course his bf couldn't hurt a fly (Yea no shit idiot) couldnt do no wrong ohh what an angel but same guys makes some vaguepost making some shit up abt me and sayin i should hang myself Got itttttt =_= like ok whatever i Guess... Have fun with the money laundering scheme on toy house Smh.. yea i think i'm done i'm tired Oogghhh

note: these ppl will drag in someone they were well aware of my Acquaintance status with and block her n shit for simply knowing me (Under the belief she was my spy? we didn't speak then.) like ur dragging in someone completely random? for what? what did you gain from this? so fucking stupid

2/17/23

ok hi i'm soooo tired... my eyelids are literally about to shut but idek why... i did like bare minimum chores today. i went grocery shopping today; i bought mouthwash, coconut oil and flan and other stuff. oh i bought myself a box of ghirardelli chocolates :] the box was this plum color and i liked it. i want to use the box as a sort of memento box for my next romantic Entanglement... i might go again tomorrow to get like actual stuff but idk. when i got home i watched one piece and i fed the dogs, made myself dinner, did dishes, cleaned up dog poop (-_-), picked up clothes in my room that are now awaiting to be washed in the laundry room. tomorrow i'm gonna give one of my dogs a bath, do homework and then maybee hopefully have all laundry done by early evening? idk.

i have 5 things in my U.S. history class i need to take notes on, but so far i have an A in the class which i'm pretty happy about. i got a 96 on my exam for the class last week and made a 100 on our pop quiz so i'm pretty confident with the material. for federal government though, even though my professor makes it very interesting with his random life lessons mid-lecture, he's one of those professors that just go on and on and on where you kind of don't know what point he's making anymore. i have a quiz for that due by the 20th which. erm. i'll TRY i guess. i got an 80 on the quiz for this class last time... e_e.

i'm really exhausted and tired from the windy cold weather. i always think to myself like oh autumn and winter are gonna be my best months. but really im JUST talking about autumn #bestseason4ever LMAO. i'm starting to miss summertime even though i live in a state where summers are boiling hot. idk, i just miss the early mornings where it's 70 degrees out and the humidity is so sticky it feels like you're walking through hot jelly all the time. i miss eating fish and blackberries all the time and strawberries and going to the lake with friends so we could swim and take hikes around the forested area of it. i miss being able to go out in the evenings and be able to watch our sunsets (despite my town being genuinely awful it's in that like. idk part on the planet where the sunsets are always really pretty and colorful.) and water all my mom's plants outside while getting bit by mosquitos and gnats.

i miss getting in my car after going to the lake or coming back from the swimming pool only for it to be excruciatingly hot and the leather sticking onto my ass like a fresh-from-the-coal metal branding. i miss going out every morning and tending to my strawberry and pepper plants. i miss staying up til 4 in the morning watching pirates of the caribbean while knowing tomorrow morning i have to get up at 11 to get ready for a birthday party or a visit to the thrift store with my friends. i miss the days where it's just heavy downpour and all i can do is simply write in a diary or something or draw by a tealight candle on my desk. i miss the vines growing all around my porch giving it shade.

this winter shit i cannot tolerate... getting sick and tired of it. it only allows me to wear my cute clothes. but since i wake up so DAMN early (i'm not a morning person at all) i usually straight up go to school in my pajamas or in a hoodie and sweat pants bc i cannot do this getting up at 7 am shit... next semester i'm not doing morning classes they can kill themselves for all i care.

@_____@.... anyways. my tamagotchi is 6 years old today and weighs 20 oz. hoping he turns into mametchi. it's fine if he doesn't though, i've been making sure his happiness and hunger doesn't go past down 2 hearts. he's pretty well behaved too i haven't had to discipline him too much. anyways i don't think the grocery store is gonna hire me so i'm gonna try applying at the mall again (yeah fucking right they'll hire me im convinced u need a blood sacrifice for that fucking place) and maybe like home depot or something. i'm just tired of having to work at these physically excruciating jobs like Dude i'm a midget and i weigh 92 lbs like i Can't do all this shit. Relax. I'll break my bones if you keep making me lift crazy shit. idk. wishing for the best really i'm so tired. hating this unemployed shit it's so annoying.

2/15/23

i think i am exhausted in every single way possible. emotionally? physically? mentally? spiritually? yeah im actually fucking tired now omfg. these past 3 months i do not know why but i keep having to find out some extremely fucked up shit that somehow has to do with me and im just like. dude. in december i had found out one of my childhood friends apparently didn't "believe in nonbinaryness" therefore she didn't call me by my preferred name or pronouns and i was just. huh ok. my other friend though was quick to her defense... saying she was just "uneducated" but this girl is well into her 20s so im like. is it really just uneducation b/c i feel like you can only use that excuse for so long without ever making the attempt of wanting to learn. which i know she hasn't. lol.

im just gonna skip about what went down in january cause idk i just don't want to talk about it. yesterday, i had found out one of my ex bfs from high school apparently like. fantasizes about beating me to a pulp or killing me. he fantasizes about it often and i'm like. erm. hello? he says it's cause i was mean in high school (which, y'know, i Get) but damn... to fantasize about killing me to this very day? wouldn't this be an obsession at this point? some of my friends said this wasn't normal and i probably should make a police report but i honestly don't want to be involved with the police right now (or ever). i don't think he will actually ever go through considering he's a wuss.

some people were saying he deserved me being a bitch to him considering he's not necessarily nice to the women he dates to this very day (not to mention... Gave me an insincere apology senior year?) which i don't think i'll really get into since it gets crazy pretty fast. just know it includes getting a woman pregnant o o". the thing that fucks me up about it though is that he's like oh she was mean to me and says stuff i did that i genuinely do not remember doing but i guess i'll never really know if happened? i remembered one event of me doing such a thing but i was like... Was it actually this frequent cause i just remember calling u a dumbass idiot 24/7 and hitting u with my bag.

erm. anyways. i guess i'll just take his word for it that i was awful since majority of me being in school consisted of me being an asshole but idk. Fantasizing about killing me... i don't believe this is the first time this has happened with someone who is a cis man or is male-aligned. good chunk of men who have fallen in love with me or have had some sort of infatuation for me always somehow end up despising me, wanting to attack or brutally slaughter me.

it's been this way ever since i went into high school. men who crush on me who've i've declined will begin hating me or tell me they want to choke me to death or want me hanged, men who have said (under the assumption i couldn't hear him) that he wanted to pull chunks of my hair out and carve my name into his thigh, men who will ask me inappropriate questions while i'm alone in their car and then tell me how they would chop me up and put my body in the freezer in the back of my previous workplace, men who tell me in detail how they would attack me, and now men who continously fantasize about wanting to beat and kill me.

truly, what is next, it actually happening? hm.

now you may be thinking... did you do something so severe that would prompt getting murdered? and the funny thing is that once these men calm down... the answer is no. whatever i had done did not deserve me getting attacked or possibly killed. if you think i deserve to die (i know you two think i do, don't lie. i saw it with my own eyes.) ask yourself, aren't i perpetuating a growing issue towards women? is an issue that could be easily discussed with me something i should hang myself for? teeheehee.

anyways. sorry for the tangent, just had to get it out there men want and fantasize about killing me. ^q^. if anything the best way i've coped so far (cause i honestly can't do anything about it. this is just life 4 women tbh) is that at least it gives me tomie kin brownie points. erm. = =". this was supposed to be a nostalgic entry today about the summer time but since this is already so long i'll just hold it off until tomorrow. whoops. idk. tl;dr constantly having to deal with some bullshit and it's soooo exhaustig like uuugghhh why can't i just live my life bro

2/13/23

i'm just writing a quick entry before i start working on my history notes. i accidentally missed class today again cause i fell back asleep after my alarm went off... erm.. whoops lol. i don't know why but my sleep schedule keeps insisting that i stay awake until 3 am before going to sleep. i may have to use nyquil or benadryl (erm) to go to sleep at like an appropriate time bc i honest to god cannot keep living this falling asleep at 3 am getting up at 8 am shit or going to sleep at 4 am and getting up at 12pm!! i'm sure it didn't hurt to miss class though. all my classes due to the ice storm are a week behind so. not really Worried.

yesterday i hung out with one of my friends and we went to this antique store in a neighboring town 30 minutes away. she got a lot of jewelry and house decoration stuff and i would've done the same if it weren't for the fact i have no monies - -" but i did buy a little perfume bottle for 2 bucks. after that we went to her bfs work where we got a pizza and ate that after she showed me her new house. we watched the junji ito anime, and i got to see her new puppy which is a sweet little doggy :] i got to bathe her and stuff; it was pretty fun :]

going back to a previous point, i cleaned up that perfume bottle and got rid of all the old perfume still in it and managed to pop the rollerball applicator off and cleaned it (however.. the old grandma perfume is like permanently etched into it >_>). i decanted my strawberry perfume into it and now i have a little bottle of perfume for my bag now ^q^ very happy! i've always wanted a little glass perfume bottle for my bags but i wanted to put this specific perfume in it (which they dont sell small bottles for anyways. it's always in a large container) and i finally have it done. i just hope it doesn't break on accident or anything.. LOL. i doubt it will.

that's all i really had to say today... nothing rlly too crazy has happened recently which i guess im glad about? i need to go take my history notes and study for my first history exam is tomorrow and i Need To Facking Pass this shit. OH yeah i'm hoping to get zoro's shrine out tomorrow. Fitting for valentines day.... Heeheehee....

2/11/23

ok sorry for being emo last entry. my bad. im not emo anymore i swear (My intake of Wellbutrin now is Stable) but anyways i had my interview a few days ago and i think it went pretty well! i made the interviewer laugh and stuff and was able to show her im capable of being a functioning person lmfao. one red flag i got though was at the end where she said that the position may already be filled but they would let me know next week like ermm... still really hoping and praying for this job though I NEED one so freaking bad... i had a dream last night that i had gotten the job so im hoping that is a sign that i will get it.

in other news my new tamagotchi should be here soon and im sooo excited for it. i'll make sure to upload a pic of it once i get it ^_^ i bought it specifically so i could have one to play on at work or something when i get bored (OFTEN) but i didnt want a fancy schmancy expensive one that could potentially get damaged so i settled for just an old donut sprinkles tamagotchi... Sooo Cute!!! ^q^ i also got a new phone and phone case few days ago since my phone broke and ive been having fun decorating my lock and homescreen on it since it now actually has space to do the widgetsmith shit and is actually on ios 16. idk if ill upload a pic of what it looks like but i really like my layout :] the phone case is just a temporary cute little phone case for now.. i have wanted one of those decora phone cases that have the fake whipped icing on it and the little fake candies and shit on them for YEARS but ive never gotten around to buying one. 1st thing i plan on doing with my next paycheck (that i hope is from a new job...) is to get a custom order for a decora phone case.

i've been playing in splatfest on splatoon since yesterday on an alt acc (my main doesnt have an online pass rn i dont have enough monies for it -_-) im suprised to see that white chocolate is in the lead considering most ppl i know hate white chocolate. im on team milk chocolate so i already just hate team white chocolate cause they're in the lead. Siiighh hopefully i Can play today with the rest of my friends and win this shit LMFAO

oh yeah speaking of chocolate... valentines day is in 3 days and i havent decided what im gonna do yet. i may ask one of my friends to hang out since im not dating anyone rn (or looking forward to dating someone = =") but i may buy myself a box of chocolates from the store. that's my fave part of valentines day other than the gushy cuddlyness of significant others and flowers and stuffed animals and shit.

edit: heres my new tamagotchi!

2/7/23

i think sometimes one of the most annoying things i encounter while tarot reading is that sometimes the cards will answer a completely different question than from what you asked. i asked today about how my interview was going to go but it was giving me answers that do not at all imply any sort of workplace or interview!! it was giving me a warning. it was asking me to give up something but the thing is i don't know what it's asking me to sacrifice.

it also peeves me knowing that if i Want to get literally Anywhere in life i usually have to make some sort of sacrifice. i have to give up something important like Why does this shit have to be so transactional why can't i just hope for ONE good thing like getting fucking hired without the Spirits telling me oh yea if you want to do anything go ahead and tear yourself to shreds again and kill yourself and sacrifice something of importance. go ahead and cry your eyes out so we can Consider giving you a job. LIKE WTF!!!!! WHY!!!!

literally its the same whether i want something or if i want to grow!!! you need to make a sacrifice!! i can NEVER just fucking chill >:[ shit makes me so upset like man can u just fucking answer whether or not im gonna get hired because if there is anything these fucking spirits need to know is that i really don't give a shit about some horrible event going to happen to me tomorrow what i CARE about is whether or not i can score a job. i need Money Asap and i don't have a source of income and scoring an interview literally anywhere in my town is somehow worlds most difficult task to accomplish and im like wtf.

anyways im really mad now cause im sitting here reanalyzing my life where ive had to give up a multitude of different important things and it makes me upset and angry bc this shit feels like a fucking scam. Sad. Crying. Crying. Crying. that's it for today i can't see the screen anymore but i'll update tomorrow how my interview goes.

2/5/23

so unfortunately i was not able to get to the stuff planned for yesterday bc my mom had different plans in mind for me which im not really all upset about, it got me out of the house so. i was supposed to drop things off at my friends work but i ended up getting up at like 12 pm bc my mom asked me to come see this movie with her that she was supposed to see with my dad but my dad's gone out of state rn and i was just like. Ok i guess. we went to see backdraft. it was a pretty cool movie, i liked it.

after the movie we went inside this antique store where i got 2 new rings and the sweetest little coin bag... oh it is so cute! look at it!

isn't it the sweetest little thing ever?!!! ^///^ i love it sooo much but i don't know where im gonna put it... i might keep it in my purse or maybe my car? i just hope nobody will steal it LOL (ppl like coming into our neighborhood and robbing cars in the middle of the night.) i would attach a pic of the rings too but i don't have a ring holder rn lawl.. ^q^" there was another coin bag just like this one but it was like... school lunch themed? i wanted it too but i could only get one. hopefully one day if i go back it will still be there.

after the movie my mom and i went to go get thai and i had pork belly and another dish i had forgotten the name of. both were super good and yummy!!! i'm a BIG fan of pork belly. when i get a new job, with my first paycheck i may spend it at this local korean bbq restaurant. i just crave it so much... it is so yummy.

in other news my phone screen stopped working today so i have to go get a new one soon which i guess sucks but not really cause it means new phone. i just dont like having to get a new phone cause it means i have to re-set all that shit up and its freaking dumb LMFAO. i had just fixed all of my phone charms and just put them on my phone too.... AND its almost payed off? Bullshit... WHATEVER im more upset about the fact i couldnt play idv today lol!!!!!!!!! that's all i had to share today. eating a brownie rn and about to listen to music. giggle.

2/3/23

alright so i have some good news this time!!!! my tarot reading was right :DD i got an interview with my local grocery store!! i have my interview next wednesday and im super excited! i hope i get the job, and if i get the job i hope it will not be difficult or harsh on me and i hope i will have nice coworkers. very excited!!!

however i do have some bad news and it's that my moss ball of almost 5 years i discovered to be dead today since last time i had cleaned its jar it was still healthy :[[ i had my moss ball in a really old antique jar that we had that had a rubber piece on the top of it to prevent the lid from slamming down on the glass and shattering it, and at some point that rubber had started rotting and it got in my moss ball's water and killed it. i'm really sad about it cause it's been in my room for such a long time and i really loved it + they don't sell real moss balls anymore in nearby pet shops :[ i'm hoping if i get this job i can get a new one... heartbroken

i've been deep cleaning my room today... i have almost everything cleaned i just need to dust my dresser and night stand and vaccuum my floor and hopefully tomorrow i can mop and my room will be all squeaky clean! ^_^!! i've been meaning to do a REAL deep cleaning of my room for awhile (instead of just like picking up clothes off the floor and making my bed) and today i had the motivation to do so. now im almost done ^^!

other than that, i bought a new tamagotchi (i got the donut sprinkles one... heehee) yesterday and tomorrow i'm gonna go to my friend's workplace and drop off a couple things for them. i'm gonna re-set my wards maybe tonight and have that all squared away. i'm also gonna finish up notes tomorrow and hopefully have time to play some video games.

last night i spent trying to find a virtual machine for m1 macs so that i could play this game with my friends called 100% orange juice and i did find one but it turns out their m1 mac testing is still in beta so my vm booted up once before promptly crashing =_=" i'm gonna try hunting for another one... the only laptop i have that can run 100% oj is this crusty pink laptop i have thats from 2005 and while it can boot up and run 100% oj the GRAPHIC errors on it are actually insane. there's no text and i can't read anything. soo hoping i can do that lol! i guess that's it for now. i promie i'm gonna start making zoro's shrine and i've made another section for all my january entries so the entry list doesnt get too crazy... Lol...